News » Hey you, football fan! Quick, watch this!

There’s no time to explain, just watch it.Oh wait, did I say “no time to explain?” What I meant was “there’s no earthly explanation for what you’re about to watch.” What you just saw is, ostensibly, a 59-second advertisement for solar power in northwestern Atlanta Falcons Hats Ohio. But actually, it’s a series of existential crises and philosophical koans posed against the backdrop of an Ambien dream.And I’ve got questions. So. Many. Questions.1. Why is punter Britton Colquitt sitting alone, in a seemingly empty FirstEnergy Stadium, while wearing most of his entire Browns uniform but no pads?2. Who let this grown man and child onto the field of an NFL stadium, and why are they dancing to a backing track from Duke Nukem 3-D at the 20-yard line?3. When this man suggests the Browns are “dancing again,” is this man aware his team is 2-6-1?4. Did Hue Jackson wear this team down to such a nub of disappointment two wins necessitates the art of dance?5. How come no one in this advertisement that prominently features the extremely 2018 dance move The Floss knows how to do The Floss? 6. Why does Jayson, the man we’ll later learn is our “Solar Coach,” do The Floss like he’s Carlton Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?7. Why are they doing The Floss in the first place, and is this a side effect of the sun’s harmful rays? 8. Is this actually an extremely low-key ad for Fortnite?9. Does Jayson coach the sun? 10. Wouldn’t that just make him Apollo, the Greek god of light, whose chariots dragged the sun across the sky each morning?11. And if he is Apollo, who is the god of several other things including music, why didn’t he pick an actual song instead of a guitar riff born of Sammy Hagar’s unwashed hair?12. Who is this child who shares the field with our Greek deity, and where does he fit in the mythical lineup of heroes? 13. Why does tiny Asclepius suggest he’s going to save money on his monthly energy bills by switching to solar? 14. Is he a homeowner? 15. WAIT DO HIS PARENTS MAKE HIM PAY RENT? Jesus, Ohio. That’s brutal.16. When Apollo, god of plague and poetry, suggests Colquitt’s Dad-moves are exactly how the Dawg Pound dances. Is that 100% true, or just 99%?17. When Colquitt says switching to solar power was “the best thing I ever did Atlanta Falcons Hoodie ,” how offended should his wife and children feel?18. Are we meant to immediately feel shame when Colquitt says this, or was that supposed to be earlier when he was dancing?19. Were FirstEnergy Stadium’s lights always powered by punting? This would explain so much about the Browns’ return to the NFL and outright refusal to play offense.20. WHOSE DOG IS THIS? 21. Why does he own a lime green 2005 Ford Focus?22. Is his name just “Solar Dog?” That is a terrible name for a dog.23. How does he know so much about solar power, and what are his credentials?24. Why is he staring straight through the screen and into my soul, casting his unblinking judgment on my use of fossil fuels?25. Why did the producers of this ad dress Solar Dog up in what appears to be some kind of costume just to have it obscured by the car door?26. Is his 2005 Ford Focus solar powered?27. Who gave a dog, even a solar powered one, the loan necessary to buy a car?28. What is Solar Dog’s credit score, and how is it so much better than mine?29. Does the sun give Solar Dog his power, like the villain from Superman IV: the Quest for Peace?30. How is this talking dog somehow the most reasonable part of this commercial?And ... I think that’s all I’ve got for now. But rest assured I came away from this exercise somehow knowing less about solar power than when we began. The long-armed, oversized Milwaukee Bucks are all grown up, and they want blood. The most surprising team in the NBA, equipped with a modernized offense, new head coach, the rarest of unicorns in Giannis Antetokounmpo, and a fresh look on the game of basketball just slew the dragon in its own keep. It’s time to believe in the Milwaukee Bucks.The Bucks entered Golden State’s Oracle Arena on Thursday night with the league’s second-best offense and defense, and proved how real that was in a 23-point road win over the Warriors. Sure, Draymond Green didn’t play with a sprained toe, but he wouldn’t have made that large a difference. Milwaukee didn’t just out-offense the reigning champions, it held them in check. This game was over in three quarters.It’s early in the season, but this team might be the one to beat in the East — and could pose a challenge to the West. Here’s why. When Eric Bledsoe is on, he’s one of the best two-way guards in the leagueWhen Bledsoe “didn’t wanna be here,” Milwaukee made a home for him among a sea of other misfits with unreal wingspans. For the past few years, the Bucks have stockpiled length (Antetokounmpo, Khris Middleton Cheap Customized Atlanta Falcons Jerseys , and Thon Maker) to achieve a dream of forming top-tier defense. Jason Kidd couldn’t bring that to fruition, but finally it’s all fitting together under Budenholzer, and Bledsoe is the anchor.Matched up with Steph Curry, Bledsoe held the NBA’s leading scorer to just 10 points on 14 shots, forcing the ball out of his hands as much as possible. Bledsoe’s ability to hound Curry, yet not lose him off the bounce, put him in a category of few who’ve been able to contain the 31-points-per-night scorer. He chased Curry off screens and shadowed him as he ran circles around the baseline. This was full-on effort and smarts from the Bucks’ guard.And Bledsoe balanced that act on the other end, too, scoring 26 points on 10-of-12 shooting while sinking 2-of-3 threes. His scoring might not be there every night, but his defense can be. Few teams have a player with his defensive abilities playing the point.Antetokounmpo can be the best player on the floor at any momentIt’s no longer in spurts or rare occasions. Antetokounmpo is a top-five player in the league — just ask Malcolm Brogdon. In the win over the Warriors, he was better than Curry, and entirely out-dueled Kevin Durant on both ends. (He scored 24 points on 16 shots to KD’s 17 on 15.)Antetokounmpo is taking games over routinely on both ends at 23 years old, which should terrify the league. He’s learned how to use his length to finish above the rim, to get into passing lanes, and to get to the bucket on long strides. He’s arguably the most unique physical marvel in a league full of them.And if a Bledsoe-Antetokounmpo tandem can shut down Curry and Durant, who else stands a chance?The Bucks aren’t just winning. They’re destroying. There’s some merit to a team’s ability to pull out close games, but way more in absolutely dominating in blowout fashion. The latter is how the Milwaukee Bucks are winning, more times than not. The 23-point road win against the best team in the world was the Bucks’ eighth by double-digits out of nine victories. That’s wild. The cause of death for most opponents has been the three-point shot. The Bucks shoot the second-most shots from distance per game (40.3), converting at the sixth-best rate (37 percent).Milwaukee has shown that it isn’t just slightly better than its top opponents, it’s a full head above. Maybe that won’t be the case in May or June, but right now it’s pretty tough to deny they’re the best team in the NBA. They have as good a chance as bringing home a title as any team outside of Oracle — and proved they even have a chance at doing the unthinkable.